My children

My children have been my life and it hurts so very much as a mother to watch them making choices that will have hard consequences. I feel like such a failure sometimes because I haven't been able to give more and be a better parent. I rage against the fact that my life has been stolen by hateful chance by having health issues that have made raising kids difficult. I have tried and tried to pour my life into my children to teach them and raise them to be better people than what kids are now days. When I see them following along with what their piers are doing it breaks my heart. I have been pushed aside for a father who has never been there for them and doesn't understand them. No matter how I try to at least meet him on common ground as adults to discus our children's lives he plays games and doesn't communicate  or flat out lies. He is now telling my daughter that after he yelled at her for a good long time over a current issue that she was not allowed to talk to me or tell me anything about what he said! I didn't ask but when I asked her why he would say something like that she implied that I would tell him if she did decide to tell me anyway. She knows there have been things I have not discussed with her dad for her sake and because she asked for privacy but then insults me by saying I would do such a thing. I am heartbroken over this and just don't know what to do anymore. My oldest is also making choices that are going to harm her and make her future uncertain but again she will not share with me and is determined to destroy herself because she hates who she is and the fact she is handicapped. Sometimes I feel like I just cant take anymore of these things!
I'm trying to hold down a job and am starting to suffer for it. I cant seem to control any part of my life right now. Where does this end? How do you stay sane?My Lupus is causing so much pain because of stress I believe. The time I have between down times when I have fallen apart and just am too sick to do anything and  being able to at least muddle through are getting shorter. I have known I was borrowing from the future to be able to work now and I'm concerned that the tomorrow is going to be sooner than I thought because of added stress.
Again I love my children and I wish they would talk to me and listen to what I advise but I know they have to find their own way in life as they are becoming adults. I just worry because of the roads they are choosing now, they don't seem to see down that path and the trials they will have to face to travel it. But I'm here, as always doing what I can and praying that I can do more and not have my health take me away from everyone again. I am so ready to just shut down and become a hermit but that wouldn't be fair to my husband or son. One step in front of the other, one moment at a time. If that's all I can control then so be it. I will try again tomorrow for more, and the next day and the next. Life is a battle that I love and hate but its always different.


~Cherish each day, for it is a unique thing that won't be found again.~