Got ready for work and actually made it there....for a 1/2hr. Was a wasted effort if ever I saw one. I still am hurting to the point of tears. Doesn't matter what position I'm in but trying to take calls in that condition doesn't work so well. My brain competely stalled when one call came in and got "thank you" out but couldn't think of any more of my scripting. Needless to say, the poor lady thought she had call idiotsville instead of customer care...lol She was nice enough but I knew right then I wasn't going to make it. There is a certain point where you just can't function very well with that much pain going on. It's like trying to speak softly when you have your music in your headset turned up as loud as it will go. Just doesn't work very well.
I love that I have such a wonderful manager though. She understands when things are too much for me and never ever makes and issue out of it. I honestly am grateful for her and her friendship, she is a deffinate blessing in my life. One of the few bright spots in that whole place too I might add.
So I am sitting here doing mindless activities but they have to be things that engage my mind to distract me from the pain but done require me to think much. I am still wishing dearly to go the emergancy room for some Morphine and finally a break in this pain cycle but I still am trying to avoid it since it would be $1000+ shot....sigh. At least I'm not bursting out in tears tonight. Yesterday was hell for that also since I had no control at all! Freaked out one of our frinds in England and she started sending messages to my kids telling them to get home. She didn't think that Darcy can't drive and could very well freak out herself over it. Or that Lydia was not even in the state. She was at the ROTC compition. I felt bad about that. I was just so miserable and alone yesterday and made the mistake of trying to reach out to people online and whinne to someone who would listen and maybe understand what I am suffering. I realy feel like I'm invisable most of the time. People don't want to talk to me for some reason. The only person who will sit and let me talk about everything I am feeling or going through is my mother. Nothing wrong in that, we are best friends, but I was hopeing at 40 I would be able to branch out a bit more...lol Most days it doesn't bother me but yesterday all defenses were down. Told my husband as much as I wanted him home yesterday was probably better he wasn't. The short time he was, in the evenning, he kind of lost it over the Dr.'s office not bothering to call in my Meds and since it's the weekend my only option was emergancy room. (Again am wishing I could have that luxury) Took a bit to get him to calm down, I'm bawling my eyes out and can't stop, just not a pretty sight. He feels so helpless anyway and there really wasn't anything he could've done except be in the line of fire when I lost it.
I really can't take much more of this. I still feel like I am being roasted alive. Even clothing is setting my nerves on fire. Don't have the option to just be naked, kids are home. <Rats> (Trying to have a sense of humor, really I am trying)
I found this flower thats made out of paper that I'm working on. Found it online when doing my stumbling yesterday to keep occupied. Martin even made one out of napkin. (trust him to have to show me up...lol It is a cute little flower though.) I am trying mine out of old magizines, will be interesting to see how it comes out. Can make a lot of them and make a flower globe to hang from the celing. As long as it keeps me busy and engaged. In fact I need to go do that so I can get more distracted, am loseing the battle for control again, the chest pain is back and I have a bear sitting on my chest. While he is digging his clws in I might add and growling back at him doesn't scare him off...lol
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Life....one day at a time.
Sunday, February 13, 2011
Saturday, February 12, 2011
Cry and cry again..
I can't believe how much I'm breaking down. I can't stop the pain and it is just grinding me under. I'm out of pain meds until I can yell at my Dr.'s office on Monday. I know my Dr. is sick but so am I and there should be a better way for us to get our Meds refilled when we need them! I am so angry right now!! I have virtually no control on my emotions, have been sitting here bawling my eyes out because of pain. My husband has been gone all day like he said he wouldn't be so I have been left alone with this Wolf and it is getting the better of me. Day in and day out nothing but pain. This is wearing very thin. I burn all over. Every joint is swollen and very painful. My sinuses hurt and face feels like I've been hit. I have chest pain that comes and goes. That fells like I have someone else sitting on my chest. The pain meds I do take are not working right now and I wish I could go to the emergency room to get something stronger to knock me out. I fight it as best I can but right now I can't and I'm feeling very alone...
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The Spoon Theory written by Christine Miserandino
The Spoon Theory written by Christine Miserandino
This is THE best way to help normals to understand a bit of what we gothrough. I have loved this simple breakdown and try to share it with everyone I can!
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This is THE best way to help normals to understand a bit of what we gothrough. I have loved this simple breakdown and try to share it with everyone I can!
View more personalized gifts from Zazzle.
Friday, February 11, 2011
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
Monday, February 7, 2011
I am so pissed at my health!
I am so angry right now I could cuss a blue streak! Today has been THE worst for joint pain, I have worked all day barely making it through the day. I have spent the day in misery because if inflamed joints that hurt if I move or don't. Or the chest pains. Or the muscle spasms.I had a hell of a time sitting at my desk for the 1st half of the day and only stayed at work because they put me up at work force to watch the call ques and wasn't on the phones. I was able to take my shoes off and put my feet up for awhile. It didn't stop any pain but I was marginally more comfortable for a bit. I make it home and can't sit anywhere but on the couch and when my husband finally comes in to talk to me, even though he knew I was upset and in a lot of pain, he starts snapping at me while we are trying to talk about our oldest daughter. I couldn't make myself clear about the worries I was having about having her move back in with us and he took something I said the wrong way and got rather nasty about it. I know I'm not the only one that will be dealing with her but I am struggling with my health so badly right now I cant imagine having to deal with her everyday and have to get all the appointments set and met. He decided to take it that I was only thinking about me and not that he would be there to help. I know I wasnt making myself clear but I am so muddleheaded right now from pain. He should have thought for one second that he might need to be a bit understanding and just listen for once. Sometimes I cant get things out right and I have to try and explain what I'm thinking and feeling and need some leeway, esp. when in as much pain as I have been. I am so mad and so hurt he didn't just offer to hold me or comfort me in anyway when I needed it most. I am tired of not being able to live my day instead of survive it and I really am having a hard time copping with pain. Right now my whole body is on fire with pain and I have no way to stop it or get remotely comfortable. Every bloody joint is screaming at me; a sharp, stabbing, burning, aching I cant move without it escalating into a roaring torrent kind of pain!
I HATE THIS!
I have to rage at the world and life because I have to live from one pain event to the next and right now I don't get any rest or breaks between!
I try and take care of my husband and family but I cant.
There are some who don't give a damn about what they do and how it will impact me and that makes things worse.
My children are selfish creatures just like their dad with not one thought for the other person or people. I'm tired, very very tired.
I love my family, I really do, but I'm tired of them not understanding what I have to deal with everyday and no one damn well bothers to learn anything about the illness and what it causes. I'm tired of being made to feel guilty because I don't live up to their expectations.
I am so Gad damn tired!
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I HATE THIS!
I have to rage at the world and life because I have to live from one pain event to the next and right now I don't get any rest or breaks between!
I try and take care of my husband and family but I cant.
There are some who don't give a damn about what they do and how it will impact me and that makes things worse.
My children are selfish creatures just like their dad with not one thought for the other person or people. I'm tired, very very tired.
I love my family, I really do, but I'm tired of them not understanding what I have to deal with everyday and no one damn well bothers to learn anything about the illness and what it causes. I'm tired of being made to feel guilty because I don't live up to their expectations.
I am so Gad damn tired!
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Sunday, February 6, 2011
Jiont pain from HELL!
This weather is driving me nuts! I hurt in every bloody joint so that it is painful to move in any way. Walking feels like I'm walking on my bones with no padding of skin or muscle. I can't raise my arms and using my hands for typing in excruciating! It doesn't seem like any of the pain meds I have are even giving any relief at all.
I'm trying to be upbeat and happy but it is very hard not to snarl and snap at everyone because the pain just doesn't relent. I had to leave work last night because I just couldn't make it another couple hours taking calls from people whining about stupid stuff when I was sitting there suffering and unable to be comfortable in any way.
I start my new shift today and don't get my days off until Friday and Saturday. This means I will have worked from Last Tuesday to This coming Thursday a total of 10 days if my brain added that correctly. I am burnt out!!
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I'm trying to be upbeat and happy but it is very hard not to snarl and snap at everyone because the pain just doesn't relent. I had to leave work last night because I just couldn't make it another couple hours taking calls from people whining about stupid stuff when I was sitting there suffering and unable to be comfortable in any way.
I start my new shift today and don't get my days off until Friday and Saturday. This means I will have worked from Last Tuesday to This coming Thursday a total of 10 days if my brain added that correctly. I am burnt out!!
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Friday, February 4, 2011
A Better Pain Chart Posters from Zazzle.com
This is what they should be hanging in the Dr.'s office!
A Better Pain Chart Posters from Zazzle.com
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A Better Pain Chart Posters from Zazzle.com
View more personalized gifts from Zazzle.
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
Snow, snow go away....
I am very tired of all this snow we are now buried under. I hurt so bad just from the storm itself moving though but I had to go shovel the driveway yesterday (not that it lasted) and now I can barely move! Again.. don't know how I'm going to work. I didn't make it yesterday but since it was a blizzard almost no one did. Am looking at the clock thinking, "How the hell am I going to get there let alone last all 8hrs?" I am SO tired of whining about pain but am even more tired with feeling like this! If sunlight didn't cause major flairs I would be tanning now just for the lift in spirits! (Closes eyes and remembers how yummy it felt)
All I can do right now if close my eyes and think "happy thoughts" and not focus on the pain. My Zazzle store is my focus right now....has kept me busy and sane....well almost sane anyway.
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All I can do right now if close my eyes and think "happy thoughts" and not focus on the pain. My Zazzle store is my focus right now....has kept me busy and sane....well almost sane anyway.
View more personalized gifts from Zazzle.
Tuesday, February 1, 2011
Snow again...
We are having ANOTHER snow storm! I am sick and tired of snow and the pain that comes before,during and after one. I am doing all I can just to find something to help keep my mind busy so I don't just sit here and cry like I REALLY want to do. Yesterday I was grumpy and snappy because I hurt today isn't looking any better no that it IS snowing. I really just want to curl up and go into a coma until this passes. Guess I understand what some animals hibernate now! I am supposed to be getting ready for work here is a few but I can barely walk let alone shower and shovel snow then go sit on an uncomfortable chair having stupid people yell at you for 8 hrs. I'm thinking I'm either going to be late or a no show today mainly because I can't shovel the stupid stuff!
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View more personalized gifts from Zazzle.
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