Happy Birthday

Today, Dec 29th, would have been my sister's 39th birthday had she been alive. I spent the day rushing and have had little time to reflect on her memory.
I have to say I miss her still very much and wish she was her to talk about the little things in life, like getting older. I turned 40 this last Aug. and it would be her turn next so would have liked to be able to gripe about those things we were having to suddenly deal with due to age.
Sometimes I feel so alone when I remember she is gone and there just isn't anyone who can fill that void in my heart.
Ruthie and I were complete opposites and we fought all the time but we had the same childhood and no one can ever know the joys and sorrows we shared growing up. And even with our differences as adults we had some very good times. One of my favorites was when I was pregnant with my son. I had been unable to sleep all night, was so uncomfortable, and ended up on her doorstep at 6 or 7 in the morning. She was living out in a small town in the country but I drove out to spend some time with her since was so restless. She was still in bed but got up to spend time with me. After she got coffee going she went out to feed the chickens. This is funny because we are city girls and didn't get raised taking care of farm animals. Those chickens though flocked to her and followed her around while she got the feed. Was the funniest site I have ever seen! She was completely surrounded and they trailed after her waiting for breakfast to be served.
I really like that memory.
Ruthie had a heart of gold and she loved children. I have very found memories of her with my girls sitting on her lap at the same time chatting away with them while they each played with half of her hair. She loved them dearly and never could get enough of Aunt Ruthie.
These are the things I think about on her birthdays as I pay tribute to my sister another year.

From Sorrow to Joy       
On this day six years ago
You bid this world good bye
I hit my knees and before the Lord
I took my painful cry
Before the gates of heaven above
I poured out my endless sorrow
I moaned and whined and cried about
How “I” would make it through tomorrow
But Christ came down and took my hand
And showed me my mistake
He held me close in His arms
To sooth my endless ache
He told me there was peace in Heaven
Your pain would be no more
You’d find the rest you sought at last
Like nothing you’d found before
So I dried my eyes, looked up and smiled
The end is not so bad
She’s parted from me but for awhile
There’s a reason to be glad
~Sara~
Feb. 11, 2005

To our yellow rose of Texas, you are missed!

Baa Humbug!

I am just having trouble getting into the spirit of the season. We had our Christmas party today and it turned out pretty good but it seemed like everyone just wanted to grab their gift after they ate. No one wanted to share the joy of the gift they gave. It just seems the older I get the more I find this season to be one of greed and nasty treatment of others because your in a hurry to get everything done.
I have also found by working in call center that people just plain get stupid over the holidays. I have had to deal with telling more people no they can't just get a free phone because they have had an account for a long time. Or being told every whining sob story designed to get me to give them some credit on something they did do and should be charged for. Why can't people just keep the bill paid and if they use the service then PAY for it and stop expecting others to just make it go away. It's not that I'm insensitive to people who really do have an issue and are calling in to see what they need to do so they don't get behind. It seems that most are just looking for a free ride though and those I have no pity for when they are trying to work me to get what they want.
Christmas is no longer about the family but how many presents you are going to get. It's not about finding the right gift for someone because you care and being happy that you made someones day with it. It's about making sure you don't get something that costs more than what you were given or to compete with someone else on how many gifts you gave or how much it cost. The joy and love is lost from this greedy holiday. Where are the families getting together instead of rushing off to some party somewhere? Where is the smile towards the stranger in the street or the store? Where is the understanding that everyone is finding it a tight year and instead of expecting the expensive gifts being happy with something less expensive or homemade?
One of the girls at work was upset because her brother bought everyone in the family something from online when they all agreed to make things this year. She had worked and worked on scarves for her family and thought of other simple gifts to give but were all carefully chosen and from her heart. She was in tears because he was going to be giving better gifts. I think hers is the better gifts because of the love and time she put into them. I may becoming a cynic but I just am left empty on Christmas anymore and can't wait till it's over. Every time I try to get excited something seems to knock the wind out of my sails. I know I've gone on and on and I really don't want to do without Christmas but rather wish it could be the way it was meant to be, a holiday to remember Christ's birth and the hope of mankind for salvation.
Remember to smile at people and wish them blessings and a joyful holiday.
~Merry Christmas~

Good friends

There is nothing like spending the evening with people you love! Had Angi and Ken over and they brought Ashley. Scott came over too and then there was Tristan and Lydia was added later after she got done with work and packing up some of the remaining stuff at her dad's. We all sat around the table playing Bang and just enjoying friendly banter. (At least I think it was friendly o.0) No, we really did have fun. Angi had the best play of the night where she wiped out the 3 outlaws all in 1 turn. Us outlaws didn't win that round, obviously...lol
We ordered pizza for dinner and discovered to our horror that they weren't cooked very much so was pure dough under the toppings. ICKY! Martin called them back and they did send out 3 new pizzas and some cinnamon sticks free as an apology. Still was nasty though and had slight tummy ache afterwards. Other than that was a very enjoyable evening.
Miss seeing Angi more often. Every time I think I will go stop by her work and see her on the way to mine something comes up or I feel like crap and am barely making it to work. Unfortunately it's the latter more often than not and I feel guilty about not seeing her on top of missing the time we used to have together when she worked at the same job. Guess that is just life...sigh.
The only down side to them coming to play is sitting at the table for hours on those hard chairs. My bottom is very sore and I was sitting in the metal folding chair tonight and the side was pressing into my trigger points on sides of thighs. It was also cold even through my sweats and therefore it is hurting. Need new dinning table hopefully one with better padded chairs!
Off to bed now since 2am and am tired. Thank you my friends for another wonderful evening together and a great little vacation from the tribbles....I mean troubles.
Night all

New member of the family

We have added a new member to our family. He is very cute and a total puffball. Although when we had to put our 14yr old cat down we decided no more cats. Esp. with the big dog we now have. Unfortunately hubby had to work at the helping hands humane society and came in contact with the cute little fur ball in question. He then brought said fur ball home for the night to work on me. I was strong though and told him the kitten is cute as a button but no. Hubby was supposed to take the little guy back the next day but....When I got home that night from work found we had the new addition and it was firmly entrenched. Having seen this puffball, who's name Jean Pierre, snuggled in the arms of my husband and the pleading look he gave me, I relented. I know I tried but I'm not used to me having to be the strong one over an animal...sigh.
So. we get to chase the kitten and contently watch the dog since she thinks he is the best toy she has ever gotten and desperately wants to play with it. The kitten however is a demanding little stinker and whines at you when he wants to be held, which is most times, very unusual for a cat. I do melt though just like everyone else when he lays there purring in my arms. I know sucker, right? The dog is having a hard time though since the cat seems to be petted and played with more than her and she is not used to sharing her owners attention. Life can be so very funny sometimes! :)

Oh! and the kitten likes the Christmas tree, of course...

At wits end

Yesterday was the most frustrating day. Husband and I had to clean out back room to get daughter back over here from her dads. He had kicked her out for all her bad behavior and if we hadn't gotten her she would be on the street. The problem is she has lied to us too and we have had enough of the same bad behavior. She has absolutely no problem looking you in the eye and swearing she is telling the truth when in fact it is a lie. We have tried to talk to her and punish her by grounding her but nothing has worked. She does what she wants when out of our sight. Have just found out she drinks and smokes at 17! Not happy about that at all and she lies about it when asked. We know she has been drinking Rum and getting drunk over at her dad's because she wrote about it in her diary and he gave it to us to read. He didn't know what the CM meant but I did. Am horrified at what she is doing. Last night she, after being told I don't condone smoking but if she HAD to pick an addiction it is better than the drinking, sat down and lit up and he her brother saw it. She does not set a good example at all for him and he is very upset. This has even caused my husband to put our marriage at risk, even though he says he didn't mean it was just angry at the time. That may be true but if he said it he thought it and I'm scared. I do not know what to do with this child. She is on the same road my sister was on and she killed herself! These are the same behaviors she had. My daughter may be a different person but the character traits are very close. I'm afraid for my child and what can happen to her. This doesn't even cover the oldest who has special needs seeing all this and she tends to copy what her sister does. She has been smoking and drinking as well. She also talks about dieing and that scares me silly because she doesn't understand what it means.
There is only so much a mother can take let alone her marriage. My husband has tried and tried to be a father to them and the girls only reject him or worse act like they love and care when they just want something out of him. He has given up his son for me and my oldest since she wouldn't have been able to stay in Denmark. He hasn't seen him for 3yrs and is very sad and angry about it, especially when treated so bad by the girls. I watch him suffer everyday for his son and and am at a loss to know what to do. I honestly am beginning to think if my daughter wants to move out and live elsewhere I might just let her since nothing we do works. I just don't know....

Perspective

Life is funny sometimes. Here I am blogging for the first time and sending it out into the nether world and no one wants to read it but my mother. It's very humbling to realize how small you are in the world. There are so many things to do on the web that reading about peoples lives is not very interesting any more. I am a bit behind the times, still...lol
Anyway, it is just one irritation going on in my life. Tried to put up the christmas tree last Monday with my son but when we went to put on the lights all 4 strands of lights we had were dead! I could understand if 1 was but all 4? We discovered this after wrapping 2 of them on the tree and then needing to check for gaps we pluged it in. I really don't like the wrapping the tree in lights part of the process so was trying to hurry and didnt bother checking any of the strands BEFORE I put them on the tree. I swear Murphy live in my house! Who elese could have made all the lights not work for no reason I have been able to find? My poor son was so happy we were getting the tree up but now is on hold because Neither I nor my husband have remebered to buy new ones. Will have to get it soon have comapny comming this Sunday and need the livingroom which is currently filled with boxes..lol

Life Snippets: My children

Life Snippets: My children: "My children have been my life and it hurts so very much as a mother to watch them making choices that will have hard consequences. I feel li..."

My children

My children have been my life and it hurts so very much as a mother to watch them making choices that will have hard consequences. I feel like such a failure sometimes because I haven't been able to give more and be a better parent. I rage against the fact that my life has been stolen by hateful chance by having health issues that have made raising kids difficult. I have tried and tried to pour my life into my children to teach them and raise them to be better people than what kids are now days. When I see them following along with what their piers are doing it breaks my heart. I have been pushed aside for a father who has never been there for them and doesn't understand them. No matter how I try to at least meet him on common ground as adults to discus our children's lives he plays games and doesn't communicate  or flat out lies. He is now telling my daughter that after he yelled at her for a good long time over a current issue that she was not allowed to talk to me or tell me anything about what he said! I didn't ask but when I asked her why he would say something like that she implied that I would tell him if she did decide to tell me anyway. She knows there have been things I have not discussed with her dad for her sake and because she asked for privacy but then insults me by saying I would do such a thing. I am heartbroken over this and just don't know what to do anymore. My oldest is also making choices that are going to harm her and make her future uncertain but again she will not share with me and is determined to destroy herself because she hates who she is and the fact she is handicapped. Sometimes I feel like I just cant take anymore of these things!
I'm trying to hold down a job and am starting to suffer for it. I cant seem to control any part of my life right now. Where does this end? How do you stay sane?My Lupus is causing so much pain because of stress I believe. The time I have between down times when I have fallen apart and just am too sick to do anything and  being able to at least muddle through are getting shorter. I have known I was borrowing from the future to be able to work now and I'm concerned that the tomorrow is going to be sooner than I thought because of added stress.
Again I love my children and I wish they would talk to me and listen to what I advise but I know they have to find their own way in life as they are becoming adults. I just worry because of the roads they are choosing now, they don't seem to see down that path and the trials they will have to face to travel it. But I'm here, as always doing what I can and praying that I can do more and not have my health take me away from everyone again. I am so ready to just shut down and become a hermit but that wouldn't be fair to my husband or son. One step in front of the other, one moment at a time. If that's all I can control then so be it. I will try again tomorrow for more, and the next day and the next. Life is a battle that I love and hate but its always different.


~Cherish each day, for it is a unique thing that won't be found again.~

I hate to glow

I am really beginning to dislike the burning in my face from the butterfly rash. I can just be sitting there and I light up like I'm on fire. I cant get it to calm down until it's good and ready.
The weather today has made me very, very tired. Couldn't manage to go into work today I was so exhausted. Also been fighting headaches...The pain just gets more obnoxious all the time.
Am doing the Prednisone right now to try and get the pain under control. It's only a pulse but I really wish I could keep taking it regularly so I can have some kind of a "Normal" life. It still sucks but I'm not stuck in bed every day.
I keep fighting but sometimes I realy feel like the deck is stacked against me.

Fall

I love the changing of the leaves and the cooler weather. Halloween is on the way and am bummed that I have to work it but that's life. Have no clue what I'm going to dress up as forth contest at work. I don't really want to go as the same thing again.Wish I had a costume like my husbands but haven't been able to afford the ones I want. Am picky.
Have put up cobwebs all over our bays at work for that contest and boy if we don't win then there is something wrong with the judges sight! We have the stuff strung up the walls and up to the lights. Even our desks are looking like they are infested with large spiders. Will have to get pictures of it.

Am hoping that tomorrow I get to help son decorate the yard. He has been looking forward to it and I haven't had time while working but will make it now that it is the weekend for me. Have all my pumpkins I made to stick out in the yard. Don't know how we are going to hang the bat though with ladder broken. Will have to think of something.

Still have so many boxes to go through in the garage and more to get out of mom and dads garage. I have a hard time going through my old life and have to cut most of it away. There are so many things that mean something to me! I hang on to way to much though and need to move on from the past. I have a new life with my husband and nothing else means as much as he does to me. They are THINGS he is EVERYTHING, simple as that. But it is a challenge....

He is frustrated with all this weeping and me sharing every little thing or memory with him. I know it means nothing to him and am sorry that I can move faster.

On that note, I hurt! boy I feel so old anymore that it's scary! Those joints and muscles I used to be able to trust are all suspect with every move. Lately the on going all over pain is driving me crazy, especially at work. Had an episode at work yesterday that made me want to howl! I felt like every nerve ending was on fire. I was putting out heat and my wolf mask (butterfly mask) on my face was very red.I wanted to run home and strip everything that was on by skin. The erg was Strong to do it right there at work...lol Would have scared so many people if I had though so chose to suffer in silence.

I swear my veins are the things causing the deep electric pain running through my body also.

Oh well, one more wonderful thing to experience in life. And I do love life, just wished it had a few less hick ups.

Well, sleeping pill is kicking in so better get to bed before I can't walk...lol